by Delete Me Please

This post is going to be a personal one. When this blog gets a few more readers, and I’ll look back at this post – I think I’ll smile.

I came home to my mother today. Her body have grew frail from the three years of worrying about me. She worries about me all the time, even before I went to university, but the last three years, when I’ve been away, I’m sure that had a toll on her. She had no one around the house to talk to, she had to put up with unpleasant neighbors and work. She had to go through a lot. And very often she wouldn’t share much with me, because she don’t want to make me worried.

Before I learnt what love is by doing, and by having a good character. But if I’d ever learnt love, it’s from my mother. If I’d ever learnt unconditional love, it’s from my mother.

I’ve been trying to get a PhD to further my studies, had interviews at Cambridge, Oxford, Imperial and UCL. I didn’t look anywhere else because I don’t want to feel I’ve moving down in life. I wanted to progress. Lack of preparation, lack of effort, lack of organization meant none of them succeeded. And for the next two months I’d almost given up. I wouldn’t wake up in the morning because I was defeated. I was completely defeated. I have failed the people that had ever believed in me. It is a sickening thing to say, but it’s true. It would have taken me no toil to tried a little harder, to stick to doing what I was supposed to do. But I was foolish and I failed them.

I was so far out there on my own, I just kept stressing and stressing and worrying about the future. I tried to find a job but I don’t know how to do that. I’ve never done it in my life. I’ve always been guided, spoon-fed.

Last week I called my mum, and she said something which I will never forget. She said “Son, I know you’re out there, fighting for something, but just never forget, that back here, back where I am, you have a home. This is your home.”

And so today, I came home mum. I saw her weakened body, and I know she is getting old. I remembered when she was younger, and we went to this hill famous because a lot of monkeys lives there. I think I was holding a bag of corn or something, and the monkeys came towards me and tried to snatch it away. So I got scared and I ran to my mum and climbed on her, and she would hold me safe. All the while, the monkeys were attacking her and scratching her, but she held me tight. This is my mother – strong, loving, and loving. And now I see her, and all I see is all the things she gave up and did for me, and how I have not made good use of it. I have failed my mother.

So today is going to be the day that I make up for it. I asked my mum “Where do you want to live? Ideally.” And she said ‘Hong Kong’. So I said to her, OK, next year, we are moving to Hong Kong. I will finish my studies now, without worrying about PhDs and job, and next summer, I will go to Hong Kong and I am going to find a job. I hope to get an apartment, and I am going to look after my mother, like I should have done many years ago.

A long time ago, I have lost my resolve, and I didn’t lie to myself, I knew I lost it. Today I found it again, in unconditional love of my mother. Today I have my resolve, and life just became a bit more beautiful again.